Marriage can feel distant even when love remains. Bills, late-night arguments, and shallow conversations often replace the closeness couples once shared. In The Ups of Marriage: Nine Practices That Help Couples Actually Change, counselor Dr. Don Gilbert and pastor Jason K. Shanks address this gap with a straightforward, actionable framework. Their approach blends biblical wisdom, emotional insight, and practical tools to help partners move from reactive patterns toward intentional connection.
The book acknowledges that many couples mean their wedding promises but find themselves revisiting the same frustrations. Rather than assuming diminished connection means love has disappeared, Gilbert and Shanks focus on the skills needed to sustain closeness amid everyday pressures. The result is a guide that feels both compassionate and grounded, offering hope without oversimplifying the challenges of marriage.
What is The Ups of Marriage?
The Ups of Marriage is a marriage guidance book built around nine simple, repeatable practices. These practices are designed to be remembered and used in the middle of ordinary life—when another familiar disagreement or moment of distance arises. The authors draw on decades of counseling and pastoral experience to create a framework that is easy to recall and apply.
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The book distinguishes between an effort problem and an alignment problem. Instead of simply telling couples to try harder, it directs attention to how partners relate, communicate, and respond when difficulties return. This distinction gives the book a focus beyond exhortations to work harder at marriage; it offers a clear path toward real change.
What Stands Out
Alignment Over Effort
One of the book’s most refreshing insights is that many marital struggles stem from misalignment rather than lack of effort. Gilbert and Shanks explain that trying harder is not always the answer. By identifying where partners are out of sync—whether in communication, expectations, or emotional responses—couples can address the root cause of recurring conflicts.
Communication Tools That Create Safety
The book provides concrete communication tools designed to foster safety rather than defensiveness. A notable technique involves a pause that can prevent a difficult conversation from becoming destructive. These tools address both how partners speak and what happens as tension builds, making the handling of disagreement part of the work of connection rather than something separate from it.
Forgiveness and Encouragement as Practices
Forgiveness and encouragement extend the framework beyond difficult conversations. Presented as ongoing practices, they concern the climate of a relationship, not just the resolution of a particular argument. Along with communication and alignment, these practices give couples several points of focus for changing recurring patterns.
Biblical Foundation
For readers seeking marriage guidance informed by faith, the book pairs biblical wisdom with emotional insight and practical relationship tools. The authors do not preach but instead use scripture as a foundation for the practices, making the guidance accessible to both religious and secular readers who value the underlying principles.
Who It’s For
The Ups of Marriage is for married couples who sense that their connection has faded but still care deeply about each other. It speaks to those who have tried to change but feel stuck in the same arguments and silences. The book is especially valuable for couples who appreciate a structured, repeatable approach rather than vague advice.
It also suits individuals who want to understand their own role in marital dynamics and learn practical steps to improve communication and intimacy. Pastors, counselors, and small group leaders will find the nine-practice framework easy to teach and discuss with others.
What Makes It Worth Considering
The emphasis on repeatable practices sets this book apart from many marriage guides that offer only inspiration without follow-through. Each practice is designed to be remembered and applied in the heat of the moment, not just during quiet reflection. This makes the guidance practical for real-life situations where pressure is highest.
The book also avoids blaming or shaming. It assumes that love is still present and that couples simply need better tools to express it. By focusing on alignment, communication, forgiveness, and encouragement, it offers a holistic approach that addresses both the emotional and practical sides of marriage.
Verdict
The Ups of Marriage is a thoughtful, well-crafted resource for any couple wanting to deepen their connection. Its nine practices are easy to remember and apply, and the blend of biblical wisdom with modern emotional insight makes it broadly appealing. Readers will find not just encouragement but a clear path toward lasting change in their relationship.
Frequently asked questions
The book offers nine repeatable practices to help couples move from reactive patterns to intentional connection.
Dr. Don Gilbert, a counselor, and Jason K. Shanks, a pastor.
Yes, it combines biblical wisdom with emotional insight and practical tools.
Nine practices.
It focuses on alignment rather than just effort, and provides repeatable actions for everyday life.
It addresses recurring frustrations and aims to improve connection, but may not replace professional counseling for severe issues.
